"... HIGH PLACES"

Tyndale House Publishers shared "Hinds' Feet on High Places" VALLEY on November 2, 2017 which was a confirmation for me directly from God to a prayer/dialog about G.A.R.Y. (my brother) though I sometimes walk through the valley and pass through some storms I have a Good Shepherd

STORM


WINDOW
I am so very thankful for those
HIGH PLACES
and
glimmers through an open
WINDOW
which restores
my faith
my hope
my love
in
HIS LOVE
the love of my
Beloved
and
that
I am His (as are you)
so we can get through this
TOGETHER 
BE Not-Afraid or Much-Afraid
HE goes before YOU and with you ALWAYS
<><><>
Thankful to Tyndale House Publishers for sharing this at just the right time! Love their illustrations too! One of my all-time favorite books by Hannah Hurrad

I believe my brother Gary could have illustrated this for me also like his painting did, as it drew me to loftier places ... high places for even weary feet.

G.rieving A.nd R.emembering Y.ou

G.rieving A.nd R.emembering Y.ou (my acrostic of your name for today)
GARY

All day, I have put off writing, as I ponder and remember you this day, or might I say, lament and rejoice - can these words even go together? Can one grieve and lament yet still rejoice as one remembers a loved one? - a loved one gone too soon from your life at only 30, 4 years after our mother, 8 years before our father ... on this day ... November 2nd, known as All Soul's Day (in the Catholic Church; preceded yesterday by All Saint's Day) and in the Mexican culture Dia de los Muertos - Day of the Dead {somewhat morbid expression} however, all of this has been swirling through my head since midnight, unable to sleep once again with tvs blaring until 4 a.m. so I turn to my You Version to read what the day holds in God's Word plus two Bible studies: one in the book of Philippians and the other "Living Faith" (from some letters written in 1 & 2 Timothy; Titus; James; 1, 2, 3 John) so I think about writing a letter to you - I understand that there's healing in doing this. 

But I procrastinate and stay away from that ... I avoid grieving and even lamenting, since I am just learning, trying to focus on just remembering you, or some memories of you, with you ... pondering whether to drive out to Resurrection Cemetery, when I know that you're not there ... then I think about writing this blog and I search for previous ones I've written, knowing that many of my blog posts were 'drafted' and since this is November, often I was daily writing about something I am thankful for ... a daily challenge!

Of course, without a doubt, I am thankful that you were my brother, our youngest brother, my baby brother that tagged along often with me, although you were 6 years younger. We shared alot in common ... alot of dreams and a heart to serve people and being a teacher. You had gifts I didn't have ... yet since you have gone, I found out that some of them that I admired so in you and mom, were there inside of me too! That artistic side. So I go into my room to get my laptop & begin, I turn on the closest lamp and there it is - my greatest treasure from you {besides "Eagle's Wings" and John Michael Talbot} your painting that hangs on my wall:

[Gary's winter scene painting]

It's an original! 

It's yours! 

It's mine...

and so much like a farm down the road here in the winter

just not with the image of mountains in the background

or maybe they're just clouds that arise in my eyes

I run my fingers over your name autographed in the right corner

I am so thankful!

... as I now reflect on how many losses have taken place, even just this past month of October (my one fall month that used to be when I could enjoy the fall without recalling all the people that are gone from this earthly place to a heavenly home, as I cling to the hope I have in this but now October has become scarred by losses too). My 'grieving time' now spans over more months and my heart grows heavy and weary, if it weren't for my hope in Christ Jesus. 

I recall how I desperately needed to do something since the end of 2009, so I chose a series from Grief Share finally in 2011 while I was still in Mexico and signed up to receive emails from them for an entire year to help me deal or cope with loss:  "Journey from Mourning to Joy" (is what I called it on my blog) but Grief Share calls the study "Help for the Journey" {don't search for mine, because all 6 weeks have been drafted, but I was able to go back in the drafts and reread Day 1 of Week 1, the comments of support and I learned so much still ... } so I highly recommend going to Grief Share and also signing up for their emails, or now you can buy the book "Through a Season of Grief: Devotions for Your Journey from Mourning to Joy".

As I read and thought, I realized that God had this in mind when He guided me to begin two reading plans as a study in the book of Philippians with Love God Greatly; and "Refined -Finding Joy in the Midst of the Fire" with Carol McLeod, knowing that I needed this to help me through in His Strength, His JOY so that I might rejoice after all these years and no longer grieve.

I choose JOY (and I go back and reread another delightful reading plan for today from Jennifer Camp, LOOP author)

"Daughter, I pour my light into you. I guide you and do not leave you. I have good plans for your life. I love when you step toward Me to realize them. There is discouragement along the way-and distraction, too. But I keep walking ahead, and I reach out my hand, and I do not forsake you. I do not abandon you. The path is filled with rock that can cause you to stumble-and weeds that entangle and attempt to trip you up. But I clear the path, in the midst of difficulty and sometimes rocky roads. I clear the path. My voice in you, these whispers to your heart, my words a blade of truth that swipes away uncertainty and doubt. Walk in the way I've prepared for you, this way full of twists and turns and hills and valleys, deserts and lush mountain-scapes. I've walked this path. I walk it with you. How could I leave you? You were made for this-to be with Me, walking this path, the path we walk together. Faith is not knowing the details of what the future holds, but trusting Me to be with you in it. So keep walking with Me, in faith, along the path I've prepared just for you. That is where you will cling to Me most tightly, where you will feel my gaze steadfast upon you, when I will hold you. Daughter, I never let you go. "

God is so good, just the perfect word

I know HE has guided every thing perfectly
lines up whatever crosses my day

for such a time as this just for me
HE's so AWESOME!

"A Prayer for the Grieving Heart"  by Jennifer O. White "You are Emmanuel, God with me. Thank You for being with me now as I mourn this loss. You are the God of all Comfort and I willingly receive Your comfort now. I do not know what Your comfort will look like or feel like, but I trust it even so. My heart is broken but You are near. My spirit is crushed, but You are my rescuer. Your Word is my hope. It revives me and comforts me in especially now. My soul faints, but you are the breath of life within me. You are my help, the One who sustains me. I am weak but You are strong. You bless those who mourn, and I trust You to bless me and my family with all that we need. You will rescue me from this dark cloud of despair because You delight in me. In Jesus’ Name, Amen."

so I do REJOICE
not waste more time with the

"Day of the Dead"

which is not for believers
because of the tradition to prepare a meal
set out for the dearly departed to come back

for we believe

in

LIFE and the LIVING
our daily Bread and the Living Water

we know the

LIFE GIVER

 who can speak words

of

LIFE

not

death, despair, depression
and so can we over ourselves
over our loved ones

HE

raises

the dead and redeems

the lost

HE

breathes

LIFE

into dry bones

HE

helps us recall

the day of the

LIVING

and

our treasures in memories

as

HE

lifts our heads

giving us strength

filling us with

JOY

so

we

can

REJOICE

as we

REMEMBER

looking

forward to

what lies ahead

1 Corinthians 15:55-57

THIS IS MY STORY... Part VI

STEPS of FAITH...

a LETTER from CHRIST

... a REFLECTION

2 Corinthians 3:3

(The Message) says:

...Peggy,

your very life is a letter...

that anyone should be able to read by just looking at you.

Christ Himself wrote it ...

...with God's Living Spirit...

and we publish it

right here

With these two heavy crisis my life began to unravel and spiral downward once again. Yet this time, I was surrounded with a new church family. I might not have had the support at home that I wanted to count on, but I had people who cared and were there. My pastor and his wife even came to my brother's funeral. I noticed them as I got up to do a selected reading from Kahil Gibran my brother had selected for communion time after the song "On Eagle's Wings". I did not think I had the strength, until I noticed them and immediately the heaviness lifted as I continued with my own reading from Isaiah 40:28-31. The downward spiral occurred the next day as the family was to gather at the cemetery to lay my brother's ashes to rest... and I headed out alone to go there, but never made it. I could not bring myself to go there and I tried to call "who"... I dialed my brother's phone number. For the next month, I did not go home but stayed at a motel (where I also got a job). It was a break away time that I prescribed myself to spend with God (except when I was working). Again, God provided just what I needed and time to heal. Then I returned home.

Our church was offering a training course for anyone, who wanted to be a part of a counseling team and pray with people who would call in for help. We would be trained and then a center would be opening right in our church. As I read through the variety of counseling topics that the people would be covering, I knew this was meant for me. I attended not with the motive of being a phone counselor, but with the deep need to be healed and know how to pray with others to meet their need would be the end result. Out of my weakness, God restored me and poured out over and over again during the training and then the two volunteer shifts of late night phone call counseling each week. I became co-director of our site, then began teaching other centers and staffs. I became a teacher on many of those given topics that at the beginning were the ones that I needed to make it through my depression and grief. His Holy Spirit counseled & comforted me than trained me as His vessel. I did not realize then that I was going to be needing that training again very soon in my own life again not for me but with someone very important to me. God's love, mercy, grace and full knowledge is so aMazing and awesome as it is revealed before your eyes over & over. His healing power is awesome to witness as a MIRACLE!

Having your FAITH increased, strengthened and reinforced time and time again proves how much He desires us to draw closer each day of our lives. We need to stay in touch and connected to our Power source! I remember when God confirmed that this new church was for me, now I knew why. The "talk" that evening was on 1 Corinthians 14 and I knew that I knew this was where I needed to be, where I would grow but mostly where the Holy Spirit would not only make God's Word alive for me, He would now live in me & through me because I would now be baptized with the Holy Spirit & receive His fresh anointing over me. Manifestations of His Spirit & being slain in His Spirit would now become part of my new growing experience... I could hardly wait for MORE & MORE! 

And then it happened!

I had prayed time and time again, went to every possible altar call, speaker, preacher, Holy Spirit Conference, seeking & expecting until finally, a prophetic speaker told me that I needed to be set free and break a spirit of religion over me to be filled, so I was delivered and then it happened...

God and I were able to now speak without words from me, but words from Him, a spiritual language, a heavenly language and at times signs when I was overwhelmed with tears, groanings & moanings that only He understood, He dried my tears, He restored my spirit, He refreshed all of Him within me and I knew that I was on my way to grow & bear more of the fruit of His Spirit (which we're still at work refining)... Jesus was now teaching me to disciple others for His Kingdom & He deepened my first longings to be a witness for Him and serve Him in this world. He gave me an urgency... my prayer life deepened with an earnest desire of salvation for everyone, a new boldness. A fire that was put on hold ... because a new crisis arose at home... so I really needed ALL of Him now, because this time, the crisis was not 'me', it was for this someone that God wanted to draw closer to me and HIM: our adopted daughter, now entering her teenage years...

...end of Part VI...
Part VII next Tuesday
but the parts in between now & then
may have some parts
woven
in
them


STAY TUNED

THIS IS MY STORY ... Part V.

STEPS of FAITH...

a LETTER from CHRIST

... a REFLECTION

2 Corinthians 3:3

(The Message) 

says:

... Peggy

your very life is a letter...

that anyone should be able to read 

by just looking at you.

Christ Himself wrote it ...

... with God's Living Spirit ...

and we publish it

right here

<><><>

continuation from Part IV

Yet after the legal adoption of our kids (mid 80s), my life became more of an inward journey and the distance between my husband and I grew further apart. I began to question why I had involved two more precious lives with my MESS. However, I convinced myself and believed that their lives would be and were much better off with us, than if they had stayed with neglectful parents, who put their own needs & habits above the welfare of their precious children. I love both of them as if they were created within me, because it is so true, the poem that says "they may not be flesh of my flesh, ... but still miraculously our own,... they didn't grow under my heart, but in it". My heart is ever full of love for each of them... completion of God's love for me and my heart's dream. They did complete me and I only wished that I had completed them as much, but I was hurting. Our son came to just stay with us, at first, hoping that his mother could get her life together. The county came in and took all 3 away but their mom had a couple of years and some requirements to fulfill to get them back before we could adopt them. She stayed in touch by phone and mail but they got less and less. Finally she did the ultimate sacrifice (at least that's how I explained it to her children), she released her parental rights so that they could have a new life and chance. Just like Jesus, she loved them that much.

The miracle for me was that, not only were we given custody of our son, but shortly thereafter the opportunity for his sister,too. It's was a two for one miracle. God had truly seen a contrite heart and me, our children were His confirmation to me, to help heal and to bless me with a new chance to redeem my life. I promised my husband that he would not be sorry for this. I might have failed him as a wife, but I would never fail these children, who needed a home, where their little lives would be a priority and I would not fail as their mother.

Now this is where we continue from Part III when we (my son & I) were baptized.

Shortly thereafter, we went to court, after having our son & daughter with us as custodial parents for 2-3 years. We even had the option of having their oldest brother join us, but he was in a home with a family that wanted to adopt him and he would be their only child. We felt he needed this along with his psychological counsel where he was already in need of and getting... (my husband did not really want kids (remember?) and 2 were much more than he was thinking, but I know he fell in love with our daughter, as I had our son, and they were perfect for us). But sadly for their brother, his parents adopted another child from another country (I'm sure that they thought this would be good for him) and it was his great loss.(Now from hindsight of mine) I would say that we should have included him and not just stayed in touch, because it was detrimental to him... however, having 3, would have been detrimental for them and me. Far more than I could handle, mostly alone, even though their uncle, (their adopted dad, my husband) was with us, he really wasn't... he was a workaholic and isolated himself when he was home. [Not sure that he'd admit either]. Actually, to be more fair, I should say that he was very dedicated to his profession, career and "doing good" and he did. But not with us. He did not go to church with us, he was not their for meals. He was not there for us. Yes, but he did provide ... and I guess I'm thankful for that. (Forgive my words here if they sound harsh but they are the truth)

During this time, I had just returned to school for computer training but had to let programming go and come home to be a mom. I was so thrilled to be a mom and I also was involved with the evangelical church, women's Bible studies and co-directing/ teaching in their children's Wednesday night program. It was also during this time that I became part of Women's Aglow so that I could learn from other Christian Women. I enjoyed myself so much with these women who became dear friends and their Aglow monthly newsletter was my contribution to our local group. It was via Aglow that I received my first personal word from the Lord, given to a wonderful woman of God, Ruth Olson, in a vision for me. Now this was in August, over 20+ years ago, yet remains fresh in my mind, although I have it written out, it is not here with me in Mexico so that I can share it all. I just want to share a few of the images so you can see God's sense of humor towards me at this time: freshly trimmed toenails, a beautiful garland crown of sweet smelling white baby roses; Joan of Arc; straight path; with Psalm 91... parts (that is also one of my favorite Psalms to pray); pearl (the meaning of my name); then in another one: me fallen off a tricycle and an ice cream cone. Go figure. I am so glad that I had a few of these precious women to help me through these years and pray with me.

The following year after our children's adoption, my dear mother died, right after I had just sent both of our children off to school(K & 1st grade) so I could go back & restart my career in a nearby school district. I was glad to see my mom's suffering end, but the year afterwards, I could not deal well with this on Mother's Day. My memories of being at her deathbed with my dad, my sister and one of my 2 brothers, struggling and gasping for air, was not the final image I had wanted of my mom. It was beyond what I could cope with thinking of it. Shortly thereafter, my youngest brother became HIV infected, lived with AIDS for 3 more years before I had to watch him die as well. I was so close to him, we shared everything since he & I practically grew up together. We were the closest. I was the only one, at first, with whom he shared this part of his life, as well as his plans for his funeral & dying wishes. I stayed with him his final week in a coma, listening to his John Michael Talbot and music, reading God's Word, speaking truth into Him. This time I witnessed a peaceful departure of his spirit with an angel as I placed my dad's hand in his, I felt his spirit leave in his last breath.

I did not have the spousal support I needed during these times, but I know that my intimacy with God exceeded all expectations & grew with leaps & bounds. I heavily relied on God to meet all my needs & He did and still does. God was my support and His role became one more like my spouse. I went to Him for everything. I clung to His every WORD ...

I also read as much as I could from so many great authors... I listened to as many great teachers and speakers and preachers as I possibly could... I filled every waking moment with PRAISE & THANKS & deepening my time with Him through His Word & songs... I was searching for MORE to fill me and HE did ... It was at this time, I made my transition to my current home church ... a pentecostal one.

At first, I only went there to bring our kids to attend, because they did not go on vacation in the summer from God and I discovered that they had an excellent children's pastor and ministry. It surpassed what I had known and seen up until that point. This was very important to me since our children did not have their father guiding their spiritual life or take part in church. That was my sole role.

... I wanted MORE of what the people and this church had, especially for our kids, but I soon learned it was for me too ... As I waited out in their church parking lot during VBS (vacation Bible school) that summer, God was speaking & then "they"(the church) embraced me, accepting me, & inviting me to be a part. They even wanted me to teach a VBS preschool class, without knowing any more than I was a teacher and a devoted Christian. One person who knew me filled them in.

However, within less than one year of being at this new church, travesty struck me personally once again (I was raped in our home) followed by my youngest brother's death the next year. I really was a 'needy' Christian, not just in need of a Savior, but His Living Spirit breathing in me, filling me, giving me His very power to overcome, live, thrive...

...end of Part V....

HEAVENLY CELEBRATIONS & EMAIL 2 YOU!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GARY !

Though it's been 18 years in November, since you left me here and went home to be with the Lord, I can't help but still miss you a great deal! I thought it may help to write you this letter to let you know how much I love you and have needed you here to share like we use to do! I can hardly believe that it's been this long because it seems like yesterday! I don't have any photo of you in my computer but I have some from the last Christmas we shared at our sister Carol's home. However, this is not how you looked your last days!

You looked so peaceful as you laid there in a coma! I shared all your favorite music with you that week and read the Word to you! I know that your spirit received all that I was sharing! I will never forget the last visit from Renee that day, the radiance of joy on her face as she spoke to you about being in heaven and holding her baby daughter and giving her a hug from her and her daddy. She was such a special friend to you and that's why she chose you as her baby's godparent! As you listened to her talk, you seemed to be smiling. She asked me about an angel pin that she had sent you with a recent card, so we looked for it in your mail. She wanted you to put it on as a reminder. It was my privilege to attach that angel as I told you that I was giving you this "angel" to accompany your spirit into heaven and in that moment, you took a deep breath as I grabbed dad's hand and placed it in yours, I saw your spirit leave and rejoiced with tears and much heartache. I will always treasure those moments with you and having grown up with you as my baby brother. I can hardly wait to see you again with mom & dad!

I have thought of you often and your mission trip to Haiti. They are in the path of many hurricanes and tropical storms these last few years. I wish I had your pictures with me! I think of those smiling children from Haiti and Jamaica often from your trips there. I hope many know Jesus because of the love of Jesus that you shared. I'm praying for them!

I cannot believe how old you would be today! 48 WOW! How the years have gone by, but not the pain...it saddens me that you were robbed of living all these years but I am filled with the HOPE and COMFORT that you are in a much better place! I'm sure celebrations of your earthly birth are nothing compared to your heavenly celebrations!

I found this beautiful graphic of heaven 

by David B. Holeman
and a poem by David M. Romano, but did not want to mess with copyright
so please read this at: http://www.angelrays.com/plain/heaven.html
[sorry it's no longer there] 11/2/13
"When Tomorrow Starts without Me"

This HEAVENLY poem certainly touches my heart!

It is as if YOU, Gary were speaking to me today to encourage my heavy spirit!

So after reading this today, I know that you and I, Gary are not that far apart because I often think of you and know you are in my heart! 

These words give me great hope!

 "Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven." Matthew 5:12a

 "In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:16a

 "I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven." Matthew 16:19

 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. " John 14:1-3

 "There are also heavenly bodies and there are earthly bodies; but the splendor of the heavenly bodies is one kind, and the splendor of the earthly bodies is another ..." 1 Corinthians 15:40

 "But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ." Philippians 3:20

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. 2 I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away ..." Revelations 21:1-4

IN ALL OF THIS, I FIND MY HOPE in CHRIST JESUS, the author and finisher of my FAITH!

My eyes are fixed on Jesus!

"Heaven is a wonderful place

Filled with Glory and Grace

I want to see My Savior's Face

'Cuz Heaven is a Wonderful Place"

(i wanna go there)

[words from a kid's song my kids sang 
when my mom was dying in '86]