THIS IS MY STORY ... Part V.

STEPS of FAITH...

a LETTER from CHRIST

... a REFLECTION

2 Corinthians 3:3

(The Message) 

says:

... Peggy

your very life is a letter...

that anyone should be able to read 

by just looking at you.

Christ Himself wrote it ...

... with God's Living Spirit ...

and we publish it

right here

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continuation from Part IV

Yet after the legal adoption of our kids (mid 80s), my life became more of an inward journey and the distance between my husband and I grew further apart. I began to question why I had involved two more precious lives with my MESS. However, I convinced myself and believed that their lives would be and were much better off with us, than if they had stayed with neglectful parents, who put their own needs & habits above the welfare of their precious children. I love both of them as if they were created within me, because it is so true, the poem that says "they may not be flesh of my flesh, ... but still miraculously our own,... they didn't grow under my heart, but in it". My heart is ever full of love for each of them... completion of God's love for me and my heart's dream. They did complete me and I only wished that I had completed them as much, but I was hurting. Our son came to just stay with us, at first, hoping that his mother could get her life together. The county came in and took all 3 away but their mom had a couple of years and some requirements to fulfill to get them back before we could adopt them. She stayed in touch by phone and mail but they got less and less. Finally she did the ultimate sacrifice (at least that's how I explained it to her children), she released her parental rights so that they could have a new life and chance. Just like Jesus, she loved them that much.

The miracle for me was that, not only were we given custody of our son, but shortly thereafter the opportunity for his sister,too. It's was a two for one miracle. God had truly seen a contrite heart and me, our children were His confirmation to me, to help heal and to bless me with a new chance to redeem my life. I promised my husband that he would not be sorry for this. I might have failed him as a wife, but I would never fail these children, who needed a home, where their little lives would be a priority and I would not fail as their mother.

Now this is where we continue from Part III when we (my son & I) were baptized.

Shortly thereafter, we went to court, after having our son & daughter with us as custodial parents for 2-3 years. We even had the option of having their oldest brother join us, but he was in a home with a family that wanted to adopt him and he would be their only child. We felt he needed this along with his psychological counsel where he was already in need of and getting... (my husband did not really want kids (remember?) and 2 were much more than he was thinking, but I know he fell in love with our daughter, as I had our son, and they were perfect for us). But sadly for their brother, his parents adopted another child from another country (I'm sure that they thought this would be good for him) and it was his great loss.(Now from hindsight of mine) I would say that we should have included him and not just stayed in touch, because it was detrimental to him... however, having 3, would have been detrimental for them and me. Far more than I could handle, mostly alone, even though their uncle, (their adopted dad, my husband) was with us, he really wasn't... he was a workaholic and isolated himself when he was home. [Not sure that he'd admit either]. Actually, to be more fair, I should say that he was very dedicated to his profession, career and "doing good" and he did. But not with us. He did not go to church with us, he was not their for meals. He was not there for us. Yes, but he did provide ... and I guess I'm thankful for that. (Forgive my words here if they sound harsh but they are the truth)

During this time, I had just returned to school for computer training but had to let programming go and come home to be a mom. I was so thrilled to be a mom and I also was involved with the evangelical church, women's Bible studies and co-directing/ teaching in their children's Wednesday night program. It was also during this time that I became part of Women's Aglow so that I could learn from other Christian Women. I enjoyed myself so much with these women who became dear friends and their Aglow monthly newsletter was my contribution to our local group. It was via Aglow that I received my first personal word from the Lord, given to a wonderful woman of God, Ruth Olson, in a vision for me. Now this was in August, over 20+ years ago, yet remains fresh in my mind, although I have it written out, it is not here with me in Mexico so that I can share it all. I just want to share a few of the images so you can see God's sense of humor towards me at this time: freshly trimmed toenails, a beautiful garland crown of sweet smelling white baby roses; Joan of Arc; straight path; with Psalm 91... parts (that is also one of my favorite Psalms to pray); pearl (the meaning of my name); then in another one: me fallen off a tricycle and an ice cream cone. Go figure. I am so glad that I had a few of these precious women to help me through these years and pray with me.

The following year after our children's adoption, my dear mother died, right after I had just sent both of our children off to school(K & 1st grade) so I could go back & restart my career in a nearby school district. I was glad to see my mom's suffering end, but the year afterwards, I could not deal well with this on Mother's Day. My memories of being at her deathbed with my dad, my sister and one of my 2 brothers, struggling and gasping for air, was not the final image I had wanted of my mom. It was beyond what I could cope with thinking of it. Shortly thereafter, my youngest brother became HIV infected, lived with AIDS for 3 more years before I had to watch him die as well. I was so close to him, we shared everything since he & I practically grew up together. We were the closest. I was the only one, at first, with whom he shared this part of his life, as well as his plans for his funeral & dying wishes. I stayed with him his final week in a coma, listening to his John Michael Talbot and music, reading God's Word, speaking truth into Him. This time I witnessed a peaceful departure of his spirit with an angel as I placed my dad's hand in his, I felt his spirit leave in his last breath.

I did not have the spousal support I needed during these times, but I know that my intimacy with God exceeded all expectations & grew with leaps & bounds. I heavily relied on God to meet all my needs & He did and still does. God was my support and His role became one more like my spouse. I went to Him for everything. I clung to His every WORD ...

I also read as much as I could from so many great authors... I listened to as many great teachers and speakers and preachers as I possibly could... I filled every waking moment with PRAISE & THANKS & deepening my time with Him through His Word & songs... I was searching for MORE to fill me and HE did ... It was at this time, I made my transition to my current home church ... a pentecostal one.

At first, I only went there to bring our kids to attend, because they did not go on vacation in the summer from God and I discovered that they had an excellent children's pastor and ministry. It surpassed what I had known and seen up until that point. This was very important to me since our children did not have their father guiding their spiritual life or take part in church. That was my sole role.

... I wanted MORE of what the people and this church had, especially for our kids, but I soon learned it was for me too ... As I waited out in their church parking lot during VBS (vacation Bible school) that summer, God was speaking & then "they"(the church) embraced me, accepting me, & inviting me to be a part. They even wanted me to teach a VBS preschool class, without knowing any more than I was a teacher and a devoted Christian. One person who knew me filled them in.

However, within less than one year of being at this new church, travesty struck me personally once again (I was raped in our home) followed by my youngest brother's death the next year. I really was a 'needy' Christian, not just in need of a Savior, but His Living Spirit breathing in me, filling me, giving me His very power to overcome, live, thrive...

...end of Part V....

THIS IS MY STORY... Part IV

(for previous parts see links at the end)

STEPS of FAITH...

a LETTER from CHRIST ... a REFLECTION

"...Your very lives are a letter that anyone can read by just looking at you. Christ Himself wrote it—not with ink, but with God's living Spirit; not chiseled into stone, but carved into human lives—and we publish it."

(verse 3 from "The Message")

As I go backward and walk through these STEPS of FAITH, I realize that some of my deepest pains and greatest hurts, God has usually turned them around and made them my deepest & greatest passions, or I'm able to use that pain for His gain by sharing that portion of my life to someone else in a difficult or similar place. I truly believe that is part of why God allows this and we are meant to share with one another and encourage one another.

As I go back and reread each part that I have shared, I recall parts that I did not share, wondering whether I should mention this or that. Then I wait for God's spirit to move me or speak. By MOVING FORWARD in my life to the wonderful MIRACLE of adopting two blessings on my life, I had overlooked the 7 years since my graduation, followed by my mental health setback then marriage.

I was afforded a wonderful opportunity right out of college, with my college's summer enrichment program and also was given an outstanding privilege to be given a teaching contract at the school where I had student taught. That school, those students and staff, still hold a place in my heart and a fond memory as one of the BEST, favorite year of teaching. It was truly a dream assignment of teaching Kindergarten through 4th grade bilingually in English & Spanish!!! I treasure that time. I also worked with their cheerleaders as I had other teams since high school as their advisor/trainer/teacher. This truly kept the JOY of the Lord before me & each cheerleader remains engraved in my heart through the many years. I was hired & paid through the public schools but working in a private school, so it was a double blessing. The sad part was having to leave and be laid off after only 3 years, last ones hired, first ones laid off... very untimely.

And that was not in the current economic turmoil but in the late 70s.

We had just found our ideal home instead of renting, against my husband's wishes (at that time), we purchased our 7 and a half acres of paradise and our home since then, among the pines & beauty of God's refuge for me. Then and now. A dream place come true, though the house was bigger than what we need.

The beginning of the 80s, brought the completion of another dream for me before the adoption of our two 3 year olds. I bought my first horse, a purebred Arabian colt, a dream of mine since childhood to own a horse. But this was a newborn and one that I would have the delight of training or being trained. Trust me there are many lessons learned as you 'break a horse', with no background in the how-to's and take care of them. At this same time, we boarded a horse, since I could not ride mine. The owners were glad to have me take their horse out and keep him exercised during the week. I often walked my little horse along side.

We also opened our home to teenagers that year, 13 foster kids in total, but not all at once, living in our home. I think the most was 6. We started out with teenage moms, trying to keep their babies (the reason I wanted to do this). It was during this time, I realized that teaching other's kids was not enough for me, as I had told my husband it would be. I was now longing to BE a REAL mother. I wanted to have my own children and started looking into the available possibilities. My husband unaware. He already had fathered a beautiful daughter (a year older than me) with his first wonderful wife & mother of her, so it just was not something he had in our plans and we had discussed this before we married if I'd be alright with not having children. And I had told him, being a teacher was the ideal way of surrounding your life with kids, a good variety and not having to take them home (though there were many, that I would have loved to have had as my own). Yet it was at this time, I wanted the fulfillment of "having your own kids"my own.

[I'm leaving out two profound stories from this time in my life, even though they probably had much to do with my future MIRACLE and my spiritual life lessons: one with having children and the other with a horse (my so called near fate with death) which was from being thrown and fracturing my skull instead of breaking just a shoulder or hip like most. Yes, both of these impacted my life (and others significantly) many decisions and choices were perhaps altered because of these episodes, but as previously noted, I won't share other's lives or what may be forever written indelibly online as soon as you publish it publicly.]

My main reason is because I do not want you to focus on my story or the details but on HIS redemptive story in me. It is through God, His WORD and my faith walk with Him, that I have been transformed and my mind renewed through His powerful truths.

However, there is one point I will share from one of these two; a rather important part from the horse fall. While in the hospital, because of my own thinking of a near death experience, being unable to move from the waist down, thinking this was it, paralyzed or dead: a deep sense of the importance in prayer was stirred in me. It was at the time I was new to my second church, and people I hardly knew from that church, came to visit & pray for me, & with me, telling me others in the church were praying too. This moved me deeply and touched me eternally.

Then my own sister (who lived in California) came & visited... this is why I was sure this must be it for me. So I too prayed fervently.

I wanted my life to make a difference. I wanted my faith to increase and my power in praying just like theirs. I also prayed fervently as regards the other untold part as well because God's mercy and forgiveness is overwhelming!

When you spend time before Him, seeking His heart, He really sees your heart and He truly knows your heart. He takes us beyond the pit and resurrects His Spirit in us. God truly knows the desires of our hearts and also when we are truly contrite before Him. He used this experience to draw me into a deeper prayer life.

God answered these prayers and drew me to HIM at that time, and into that deep desire to grow closer in PRAYER with scripture. So my intimacy with God reached a beautiful new level. I had ascended to a new level up the mountaintop with Him from the many valleys.

...end of Part IV...

My STEPS of FAITH are

being made

firm

on the ROCK since

being laid

in the sand

Thank you for reading through this, I do hope you'll continue with me.

[I only wrote up to Part VII. (7 parts) throughout August and an ending]

[sequence is reverse order]

• THIS IS MY STORY... Part IV
• THIS IS MY STORY... Part III
• THIS IS MY STORY... PART II
• *True Woman | Read The Manifesto
• *MIRACLES... this TOO is my story
• *MESSES... this too is my story...
• *MAZES... this too is my story...
• THIS IS MY STORY... Part I.
• *WHERE DO I BEGIN...
• 
  
• * extras but they have some pertinent tidbits that add to "THIS IS MY STORY" as well as the songs and other posts in between really are parts of what God is weaving together as fabrics woven on the tapestry of my life.
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